by Mark Jabo

 

My biggest problem with trying to embrace a greener lifestyle is that I never know when people are being serious with their suggestions.

 

The first time someone advanced the idea I should sift through my own garbage and pull out cans, newspapers and bottles, my initial reaction was, "Isn't that why we have homeless people?"

 

But, here we are, some years later and I'm dutifully separating my garbage into four color-coordinated, plastic-bag-lined milk crates. Go figure.

 

We're continually asked to do all kinds of crazy things in the name of being green. I now buy CFL bulbs, despite the fact if I ever break one, I have to slip into a haz-mat suit and call three different government agencies to handle the clean-up.

 

I'm convinced one day we're going to learn that Greenpeace employs a secret brigade of some of the country's top practical jokers who do nothing but sit around all day, think up wacky ideas and bet each other, "How many people do you think we can get to do that?"

 

This secret cabal is getting more outrageous all the time. I have it on reliable reports (and by "reliable" I mean the voices in my head) that the heaviest betting action so far is on the latest suggestion that people should be vermicomposting in their apartments.

 

Vermicomposting is a method of creating a nutrient-rich, natural fertilizer and soil conditioner in your own apartment using worms.

 

As a long time Manhattan resident, I've spent a good number of years trying to keep creepy, crawly things out of my apartment. Now, websites like the City Farmer are telling me I should set aside six to ten square feet of prime urban real estate for the care and feeding of thousands of worms.

 

Okay, I'll do it…but only if they chip in for the rent.

 

The City Farmer website offers a number of helpful suggestions for starting your own worm composting factory. As it turns out, building your own vermicomposting station is only slightly less complicated than a NASA space shuttle launch or your average Amish barn raising.

 

Before you even start the project, it is recommended you spend a week weighing your compostable garbage so you know exactly how many pounds of worms you'll need.

 

In her book, Worms Eat My Garbage, author (and current Guiness Book of World Records holder for "fewest second dates by a single woman after you've seen her apartment") Mary Appelhoff suggests, "the correct ratio of worms to food waste should be: for one pound per day of food waste, use two pounds of worms (roughly 2000)."

 

In the event that you're not Nicole Ritchie and weigh more than 83 pounds, you'll need about 18,000 worms and a box roughly the size of the Yankee Stadium infield.

 

Acceptable compostable garbage includes: "bread, coffee grounds and filters, crushed egg shells fruits, grains, cooked pasta, tea leaves, vegetables (chopped small)."

 

A nice slice of cheesecake for dessert would be nice, too.

 

Fantastic.  Not only do I have to spend 30 minutes preparing my dinner, I now have to make sure I leave another 15 minutes at the end to mince and julienne any leftover vegetables for the worms.

 

Things that should not be thrown into the compost box include: "dairy products, fats, meats, oils, peanut butter or feces (human or animal)." This last item means that you won't be able to advertise your apartment as a "two-bedroom, one and a half bath eco-friendly gem" when you go to sublet the place.

 

Once you've made the commitment to vermicompost (and the first round of Greenpeace bets have been settled), you'll need to build the box, drill holes in the bottom, raise it on stilts above a drainage tray, construct bedding for the worms, make sure the bedding is the right acidity so that the worms don't crawl out and construct a plastic-lined hinged-top to fit precisely over the dirt to keep out flies, roaches, rats and small children.

 

This whole process will be featured this fall on an upcoming, two-part episode of Extreme Home Makeover.

 

According to The City Farmer, It is necessary to provide a damp bedding for the worms to live and to bury food waste in. Suitable bedding materials are shredded newspaper and cardboard, shredded fall leaves, chopped up straw and other dead plants, seaweed, sawdust, compost and aged manure.

 

Ask your local manure sommelier to recommend a good, aged manure. Despite the fact they eat garbage, worms are very discerning when it comes to manure.

 

While some good values can be found in the Australian and Chilean manures, the best manure is produced in Washington, D.C. during Presidential election years. Consider treating your worms to a dry, complex manure from 2004 on those occasions where you really want to make an impression on your red wigglers.

 

When in doubt, consult the ratings in the current issue of Manure Spectator.

 

You can purchase worms online at prices ranging up to $55.00 per pound. If that seems a bit steep, City Farmer offers the following alternative: "If you feel adventurous, find a horse stable or farmer with a manure pile and collect a bagful of manure with worms."

 

"Adventurous" may not be the exact word that leaps to mind when you consider this method but, don't worry, the farmhands are laughing with you, not at you.

 

There are a couple of common problems which may arise when you have your own vermicomposting center. The most common problem is unpleasant, strong odors.

 

What did you expect?  You've got a moist pile of garbage, worms and aged manure in your kitchen. It's not exactly potpourri.

 

Let's play a little word association. When I say garbage what is the first thing that pops into your head?

 

If you live in New York City you probably said, "Mob-controlled trash pick-up." If you live anywhere else in the country, you might have answered, "Flies."

 

And, yes, flies can be a problem. Not to worry. There is a natural solution: "…if flies are persistent, move the bin to a location where flies will not be bothersome. A few friendly spiders nearby will help control fly problems!"

 

Now that your house smells like the men's room at Taco Bell and has more spider webs than the Addams Family basement, there's just one last issue you need to be aware of:

"Taking worms out of their natural environment and placing them in containers creates a human responsibility. They are living creatures with their own unique needs, so it is important to create and maintain a healthy habitat for them…"

 

Congratulations. You've just adopted a few thousand slimy, spineless creatures that you have to take care of and feed. It's kind of like when your relatives come over for Thanksgiving except there's less noise and no one's throwing up on the carpet.

 

In the end, it will all be worth it. You can sleep better knowing you've done your part to help save the planet.

 

Then again, you could just pitch your garbage and pay somebody to plant a tree.